The Onion’s Presidents

My favourite satire site, The Onion, is trolling through its nonexistent archives and presenting a series of Presidential biographies. I’ve included some of the highlights for the Civil War Presidents here.

Grant, Ulysses S. b. April 27, 1822 d. July 23, 1885, famed U.S. general whose skill at killing thousands of people, destroying railroad lines, and burning cities to the ground failed to translate effectively to his presidency.

THE LIFE OF LINCOLN:
Feb. 12, 1809: Abraham Lincoln is born and immediately sworn in as the 16th president of the United States.
1817: In one terrifying night, Lincoln has the first and only growth spurt of his life, expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4 inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish sounds of snapping bones and tendons.
1828: While visiting New Orleans, he observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose during the bidding, and accidentally purchases a lot of two dozen black men.

Grant, Ulysses S. b. April 27, 1822 d. July 23, 1885, famed U.S. general whose skill at killing thousands of people, destroying railroad lines, and burning cities to the ground failed to translate effectively to his presidency.

Johnson, Andrew (b. Dec. 29, 1808 d. July 31, 1875), 17th president of the United States, whom no one expected to be as great as Lincoln, but he really didn’t have to screw it up that badly, did he?

via Abraham Lincoln

via Ulysses S. Grant.

via Andrew Johnson

Lowest of the Low

For the second time in just days, there has been vandalism in a Hudson cemetery.

Officials tell us the flags in the Civil War section of Cedar Park Cemetary were stolen Tuesday.

Those flags were brand new, put there by a veteran who was replacing the flags that were stolen over the weekend.

The city’s Department of Public Works is working with the Hudson Police Department in the investigation.

via More flags stolen from local cemetery – FOX23 News – The 10 O’Clock News.

It’s rare to read a news report like this that ends well, but it’s even rarer to read one that ends hilariously.

Click here for the surprise ending.

Statue Symbolism

Ever wondered what symbols were hidden in equestrian statues?  This is a helpful debunking with a killer last line.

A post on another message board states that the statue code is only true of Civil War statues found at Gettysburg. But, following a link in another post, we visited the web site of the U.S. Army Military History Institute. There, a park historian from Gettysburg National Military Park asserted, “Any relationship between the number of raised hooves on a horse-and-rider statue and the rider’s actual experience in battle is merely a coincidence…”

Our conclusion? While this statue code is oft-repeated and garners support from various sources, the stone cold truth is that the facts don’t support it.

We can’t argue, however, with one astute observer who asserts, “If the horse has all four legs off the ground, and is red in color, you are at a gas station.”

via On statues of a horse and rider, does the position of the hooves indicate the fate of the soldier?.

Co. Aytch

In recent years, I’ve fallen out of the habit of reading books; I now spend most of my time on Wikipedia.  Now that I’m working (or not working, as is currently the case) from home, I thought it time to rectify this error.  In honor of the sesquicentennial (and as research for the podcast by which I’m planning to observe it) I’ve been trying to tackle my personal library of Civil War books.

One that has been in my library – and woefully neglected – for decades is Sam Watkins’ famous Co. Aytch, whose original subtitle “A sideshow of the big show” seems to have been dropped.  This is a shame, as it’s a terrific précis of Watkins’ memoirs. He repeatedly warns us that he was but a lowly “high private”, and was but one of the millions of faceless men and boys who fought the war.  Like all old soldiers, he revels in his anecdotes and tall tales, and sombrely recounts some of the horrors he witnessed.

To do this is but a pastime and pleasure, as there is nothing that so much delights the old soldier as to revisit the scenes and battlefields with which he was once so familiar, and to recall the incidents, though trifling they may have been at the time.

His unmilitary descriptions of battle and tactics are humorously rendered in sound effects and grumbles, as befits a soldier of the line.

After marching four or five miles, we “about faced” and marched back again to within two hundred yards of the place from whence we started. It was a “flank movement,” you see, and had to be counted that way anyhow. Well, now as we had made the flank movement, we had to storm and take the Federal lines, because we had made a flank movement, you see. When one army makes a flank movement it is courtesy on the part of the other army to recognize the flank movement, and to change his base. Why, sir, if you don’t recognize a flank movement, you ain’t a graduate of West Point.

Watkins is good at relaying colorful asides about life in the Rebel ranks. This passage illustrates both the private soldiers’ contempt for staff officers (something you’d never hear about in the books by the “big bugs” under whom he served) and how Sam wasn’t above usurping their privileges when it suited him:

[The average staff officer and courier were always called “yaller dogs,” and were regarded as non-combatants and a nuisance, and the average private never let one pass without whistling and calling dogs. In fact, the general had to issue an army order threatening punishment for the ridicule hurled at staff officers and couriers. They were looked upon as simply “hangers on,” or in other words, as yellow sheep-killing dogs, that if you would say “booh” at, would yelp and get under their master’s heels… In fact, later in the war I was detailed as special courier and staff officer for General Hood, which office I held three days. But while I held the office in passing a guard I always told them I was on Hood’s staff, and ever afterwards I made those three days’ staff business last me the balance of the war. I could pass any guard in the army by using the magic words, “staff officer.” It beat all the countersigns ever invented. It was the “open sesame” of war and discipline.]

One of the best reasons to read the memoir is for the feel of living alongside Watkins and his comrades. Between the horrors of battle, the soldiers had some memorably enjoyable times, and Watkins – a cad and a cutup – would’ve made for a fun companion across four years of hard marching. He certainly was across 200 pages.

As long as I was in action, fighting for my country, there was no chance for promotion, but as soon as I fell out of ranks and picked up a forsaken and deserted flag, I was promoted for it… And had I only known that picking up flags entitled me to promotion and that every flag picked up would raise me one notch higher, I would have quit fighting and gone to picking up flags, and by that means I would have soon been President of the Confederate States of America.

There’s a reason Watkins’ story is so heavily quoted in narratives and documentaries about the war.  This is a tale told far less often, and far more endearingly, than the dry, dusty military memoirs.  Every Civil War bookshelf needs some Sam Watkins.

Civil War Lingo

This Yahoo user has created a series of lists that serve as a dictionary for Civil War lingo.  As you’d expect, there’s some fun to be found in here.

Multiform. A ragged uniform. A sarcastic term used by tattered Confederate soldiers.

News walkers. Soldiers who, on their own initiative, carried news from campfire to campfire.

Stray. A Union soldiers’ tongue-in-cheek term for a domestic hog or fowl that they had stolen.

via Civil War Lingo, Part 3: More Words and Phrases – Yahoo! Voices – voices.yahoo.com.

General Sherman is a Hog!

In yesterday’s post on Bunny Breckinridge, I mentioned his great-grandpa’s fury at Sherman’s whiskey-based neglect. It’s a great story, and I’ve copy-pasted a version here. It’s taken from the memoirs of John S. Wise, son of the Virginia governor Henry A. Wise. Through him Wise Jr. had apparently told him by Joe Johnston – the other General in the room during the negotiations.

” You know how fond of his liquor Breckinridge was?” added General Johnston, as he went on with his story.

“Well, nearly everything to drink had been absorbed. For several days, Breckinridge had found it difficult, if not impossible, to procure liquor. He showed the effect of his enforced abstinence. He was rather dull and heavy that morning. Somebody in Danville had given him a plug of very fine chewing tobacco, and he chewed vigorously while we were awaiting Sherman’s coming. After a while, the latter arrived. He bustled in with a pair of saddlebags over his arm, and apologized for being late. He placed the saddlebags carefully upon a chair. Introductions followed, and for a while General Sherman made himself exceedingly agreeable. Finally, some one suggested that we had better take up the matter in hand.

“Yes,” said Sherman, “but, gentlemen, it occurred to me that perhaps you were not overstocked with liquor, and I procured some medical stores on my way over. Will you join me before we begin work ?

General Johnston said he watched the expression of Breckinridge at this announcement, and it was beatific. Tossing his quid into the fire, he rinsed his mouth, and when the bottle and the glass were passed to him, he poured out a tremendous drink, which he swallowed with great satisfaction. With an air of content, he stroked his mustache and took a fresh chew of tobacco.

Then they settled down to business, and Breckinridge never shone more brilliantly than he did in the discussions which followed. He seemed to have at his tongue’s
end every rule and maxim of international and constitutional law, and of the laws of war, international wars, civil wars, and wars of rebellion. In fact, he was so resourceful, cogent, persuasive, learned, that, at one stage of the proceedings, General Sherman, when confronted by the authority, but not convinced by the eloquence or learning of Breckinridge, pushed back his chair and exclaimed: “See here, gentlemen, who is doing this surrendering anyhow? If this thing goes on, you ll have me sending a letter of apology to Jeff Davis.”

Afterward, when they were Hearing the close of the conference, Sherman sat for some time absorbed in deep thought. Then he arose, went to the saddlebags, and fumbled for the bottle. Breckinridge saw the movement. Again he took his quid from his mouth and tossed it into the fireplace. His eye brightened, and he gave every evidence of intense interest in what Sherman seemed about to do.

The latter, preoccupied, perhaps unconscious of his action, poured out some liquor, shoved the bottle back into the saddle-pocket, walked to the window, and stood there, looking out abstractedly, while he sipped his grog.

From pleasant hope and expectation the expression on Breckinridge s face changed successively to uncertainty, disgust, and deep depression. At last his hand sought the plug of tobacco, and, with an injured, sorrowful look, he cut off another chew. Upon this he ruminated during the remainder of the interview, taking little part in what was said.

After silent reflections at the window, General Sherman bustled back, gathered up his papers, and said: “These terms are too generous, but I must hurry away before you make me sign a capitulation. I will submit them to the authorities at Washington, and let you hear how they are received.” With that he bade the assembled officers adieu, took his saddlebags upon his arm, and went off as he had come.

General Johnston took occasion, as they left the house and were drawing on their gloves, to ask General Breckinridge how he had been impressed by Sherman.

“Sherman is a bright man, and a man of great force,” replied Breckinridge, speaking with deliberation, “but,” raising his voice and with a look of great intensity, ” General Johnston, General Sherman is a hog. Yes, sir, a hog. Did you see him take that drink by himself?”

General Johnston tried to assure General Breckinridge that General Sherman was a royal good fellow, but the most absent-minded man in the world. He told him that the failure to offer him a drink was the highest compliment that could have been paid to the masterly arguments with which he had pressed the Union commander to that state of abstraction.

“Ah!” protested the big Kentuckian, half sighing, half grieving, ” no Kentucky gentleman would ever have taken away that bottle. He knew we needed it, and needed it badly.”

The story was well told, and I did not make it public until after General Johnston s death. On one occasion, being intimate with General Sherman, I repeated it to him. Laughing heartily, he said: “I don t remember it. But if Joe Johnston told it, it s so. Those fellows hustled me so that day, I was sorry for the drink I did give them,” and with that sally he broke out into fresh laughter.

http://www.ebooksread.com/authors-eng/john-s-john-sergeant-wise/the-end-of-an-era-hci/page-33-the-end-of-an-era-hci.shtml

Family Trees

Despite my posting this on April Fool’s Day (a “holiday” which I loathe) it’s entirely true:

Given how apoplectic J.C. was at the surrender negotiations, at the impropriety of Sherman’s offering only one glass of whiskey, we can only imagine how he’d react to his cross-dressing, sex-change-seeking, terrible actor of a great-grandson.

Bunny was immortalised (or at least had his infamy renewed) by Bill Murray in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood biopic.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bunny_Breckinridge

Counter-feat

The New York Times’ “Disunion” feature keeps presenting essays on topics I considered for my podcast!  Luckily (unluckily?) I couldn’t find a gap for the story of this master counterfeiter, whose story is notable. (Ahem, little money-printing joke, there…)

Upham didn’t look like a counterfeiter. He didn’t hide out in the woods or perform daring jailbreaks. He didn’t run from the police. He was a respectable small-business owner and devoted Northern patriot. He ran a store that sold stationery, newspapers and cosmetics. But he was also an entrepreneur with an eye for easy profit, and the Civil War offered the business opportunity of a lifetime: the ability to forge money without breaking the law. Confederate currency, issued by a government that was emphatically not recognized by the Union, had no legal status in the North, which meant Upham could sell his “fac-similes” with impunity.

Over the next 18 months he built the most notorious counterfeiting enterprise of the Civil War — one that also happened to be perfectly legal. His forgeries flooded the South, undermining the value of the Confederate dollar and provoking enraged responses from Southern leaders. He waged war on the enemy’s currency, serving his pocketbook and his country at the same time.

via A Counterfeiting Conspiracy? – NYTimes.com.

One of Jackson’s Foot Cavalry

I tried a search for “best Civil War memoirs” (listing “Grant” and “Watkins” as qualifiers for quality), and one Amazon list suggested John H. Worsham’s narrative. Found it on DocSouth, and a quick flip through reveals some very entertaining anecdotes, and a sense of irreverence amidst the hard marching and the terrible battles.

We went to bed that night in regular military order, had a camp guard, lights out by taps, etc. Some of the boys, during the day, had purchased whistles, tin horns, and other noisy things, and as soon as lights were put out, the fun commenced: One blew a horn, another in a distant part of the building answered on a whistle. This went on for a few minutes. When the officers commanded silence, no attention was paid to them. When the officers said to the sergeant, “Arrest those men,” the sergeant would strike a light, and go where he thought the noise originated; but each man looked so innocent that he could not tell who it was. By this time, another would blow. Soon there were four sergeants, running here and there, trying to catch the delinquents. This was kept up until the perpetrators became tired, not one being detected.

http://docsouth.unc.edu/fpn/worsham/worsham.html