The Onion’s Presidents

My favourite satire site, The Onion, is trolling through its nonexistent archives and presenting a series of Presidential biographies. I’ve included some of the highlights for the Civil War Presidents here.

Grant, Ulysses S. b. April 27, 1822 d. July 23, 1885, famed U.S. general whose skill at killing thousands of people, destroying railroad lines, and burning cities to the ground failed to translate effectively to his presidency.

THE LIFE OF LINCOLN:
Feb. 12, 1809: Abraham Lincoln is born and immediately sworn in as the 16th president of the United States.
1817: In one terrifying night, Lincoln has the first and only growth spurt of his life, expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4 inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish sounds of snapping bones and tendons.
1828: While visiting New Orleans, he observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose during the bidding, and accidentally purchases a lot of two dozen black men.

Grant, Ulysses S. b. April 27, 1822 d. July 23, 1885, famed U.S. general whose skill at killing thousands of people, destroying railroad lines, and burning cities to the ground failed to translate effectively to his presidency.

Johnson, Andrew (b. Dec. 29, 1808 d. July 31, 1875), 17th president of the United States, whom no one expected to be as great as Lincoln, but he really didn’t have to screw it up that badly, did he?

via Abraham Lincoln

via Ulysses S. Grant.

via Andrew Johnson

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